Disintegration
by BroodyBlondes4ever
Summary: The people you thought you could count on will let you down...it's ineveitable. But what happens when one day you wake and realize that you're your biggest disappointment.
1. Disappointment

_ "People are gunna disappoint you…I get that. But what if you wake up one day and realize…you're the disappointment?"_

She woke up to that realization…a long time ago. Each day it's just been getting clearer that she's become her own worst enemy. The one constant in her life had just walked away…her best friend had just stormed off without a single look back….told her that ten years of friendship was over without batting an eyelash…not even one.

The sigh that escaped her parched lips was heavy as she ran her thin fingers roughly over her face and through her hair. How…when had things around her gotten so hectic? How could she so carelessly let normalcy slip through her fingers? Her grasp on life had gotten loose so long ago…but now…she had to wonder whether there was anything left to hold on to at all anymore. So many times she had been granted the opportunity to make things better…to feel okay again…and all of those times she had been too weak…or maybe it was too strong…or pretending to be strong…she didn't know anymore.

"You look…like crap" she sat up on her bed, the maroon comforter twisting and sinking under her. Hazel eyes glanced toward the open door, her interest peaked, wondering which one of her so called friends would claim to care…which one she would have to at least give credit to for thinking about her. She didn't bother trying to smile, what was the point in faking happiness; she simply let her body fall back into her sheets.

"Thanks…" who knew one word could hold that much sarcasm. "Aren't you suppose to be on your honeymoon" she felt the bed sink beside her and looked over to see him laying himself down next to her.

"Flight got canceled…something about rain over there." He shrugged his shoulders as she turned her head to look back at the ceiling again. He was going to be annoyingly persistent… she could tell that already.

"So shouldn't you be with your wife…it is _your_ wedding day." She pointed out. "Why are you here and not with Haley?" her tone indifferent, but her mind questioning why he wasn't where he was obviously supposed to be…thinking ahead and wondering who was going to twist this and make her into the bad guy…the blonde bitch who was selfish enough to preoccupy Haley's husband mere hours after the wedding.

"Because I was worried about you…I have been for the last couple of days…ever since the rehearsal dinner the other night."

"Why" she didn't look at him as the monotone voice escaped her lips, but he turned to face her, apparently oblivious to her desire to be alone. Why was it that people had that irritating way of only popping up and wondering about her well-being when she wanted to be left to herself? Why was it that when she was actually looking for someone to talk to… when she wanted a shoulder to cry on, they came to her with their problems and she got to once again take on the role of the emotionally stable rock.

"You weren't in the best of moods when I picked you up that day…and just so you know, I did catch the glazed over eyes you were trying so desperately to hide from me in the car. I just didn't press you because I figured you would talk about it if you wanted to." Her eyes weren't glazed over now, and he watched her roll them, but he continued anyway. "Then that night you kept to yourself backstage…the only time I saw you was when you walked in and when you were up on stage…and on stage you kept getting lost in thought…and it looked like it was killing you to be up there."

"Okay…I get it Nathan…I'm sorry you were so worried that you had to come check up on me…on your wedding day…now please go back to your wife…that's who you're suppose to be spending this day with." Her tone had turned bitter…she didn't need him coming to her, saying how worried he was…how he wanted to make sure she was okay. Why hadn't he come earlier if he was so worried…she had been like this for awhile…it was just worse now. He had been too busy to care before…why should that suddenly change?

"Don't bite my head off just because I care about you…Hales is worried too and she was glad that I came over here to check on you" Haley was the one who noticed the distant look in his eyes…she had guessed that it was about Peyton…begged him to go check on her…asked him to apologize…to tell Peyton that she was sorry for not being a better friend. But he had been around the blonde long enough to know apologizing for his wife was a horrible idea…one that would end at her screaming at him and dishing out a few choice words for him to take home.

"Nate…I'm fine…just tell Haley that I'm okay…I could really just use some time to myself right now and I'm sorry for lashing out at you but don't worry about me." She almost sounded sweet…actually sorry for getting angry…glad that he stopped by…exactly the way she needed to sound to get him to go back home. And because he didn't know any better…because he wasn't his brother who knew how to see past her facades…he didn't notice the moisture that was slowly seeping into her eyes…the falter in her overly bright smile, and he believed her. And then he sat up, patted her leg, and was gone as quickly as he had arrived.

Brooke Davis stood outside the door…the one that was still painted black and constantly reminded her of how badly she had screwed up by sleeping with Chris Keller. But her boyfriend has screwed up too and that was why she was standing outside of his door. At least that's what she wanted to believe. It made this easier for her to do…easier for her to throw away the relationship they had worked so hard to build.

Lucas was a good guy, he really was…and she knew that…she knew that things were hard from him and that he was doing his best to keep their relationship. She knew that her boyfriend didn't mean to turn to her best friend every time he needed to have some deep meaningful and emotional conversation, but that doesn't change that fact that he did. It doesn't ease the pain that she feels every time she sees them hug, sees Peyton console him…the pain that rips through her chest every time she tried to get him to open up only to have him walk away from her and into Peyton's arms.

Deep down Brooke knows that she can't be angry with Peyton because Lucas turns to her…Peyton's heart is too good to ever turn him away when he needs her. She'll also never turn him away because they talk to each other. One's her best friend and one is her boyfriend…and neither of them go to her in their time of need, they go to each other.

But she's angry at Peyton anyway…she's angry because once again she feels like Peyton's chosen a boy over her. Lucas was her boyfriend…Peyton wasn't supposed to have feelings for him…she wasn't supposed to encourage their relationship and then fall in love with him…again. It doesn't matter if she promises not to go after him…she shouldn't have fallen for him again. Peyton promised to never hurt her the way she did last year…but she should've learned already that promises are made to be broken. Her parents break them…so do her best friend and her boyfriend…all the people she's suppose to be able to trust seem to always lie to her.

Lucas had kissed Peyton again…or Peyton had kissed Lucas…it really didn't matter who kissed who, what mattered was that it happened and they lied to her about it. Lucas swore that it meant nothing, but if it meant nothing then why did he feel the need to hide it from her. She understands that the circumstances were different this time...that her best friend thought she was dying, but it still shouldn't have happened….and they should have told her about it. And she's telling herself that all of the little omissions of truths are the reason she's standing outside of her boyfriend's door, prepared to throw away months of working toward each other.

She raises her hand and knocks lightly against the dark wood. She doesn't know if he's home and a part of her hopes that he isn't. If he's not home then she's forced to leave and maybe by tomorrow she won't want to do this anymore and then she'll still have someone who cares about her…she isn't sure if he's in love with her anymore or if he ever was, but she knows that he did love her…that he still does, and that's the only reason she's tempted to turn around and not go through with this.

"Hey…I've been trying to call you" and just like that all hope of leaving his house and pretending she was never there…it all disappears.

"I know…I just needed some time to myself...some time to think" Her voice sounds foreign to her own ears. She's never been one for monotone speaking, but that's how her voice sounds right now…indifferent and cold. She is indifferent to the situation at the moment…indifferent to any feelings that may or may not be between them…she has to be or she won't make it through the conversation…she'll quit half way through and stay in a relationship that died a while ago…a relationship that might have died before it even started.


	2. In The End It All Hurts The Same

He had expected it to happen…he knew it was going to hurt…but as he laid back on his bed, he found the pain to be just a little more than he expected. Brooke had ended things between them…after he fought so hard to gain her trust again, she was calling it quits. She told him they were better off this way…that she couldn't trust him. Somewhere during her little break up speech he had tuned her out…started getting lost in his thoughts. He was too busy trying to think of something to say, something to make her change her mind, and all he could come up with was I'm sorry. She had repeated his words, but she wasn't sorry enough to stay, to give him another chance.

He couldn't figure out why Brooke was suddenly pushing everyone away. First it was Peyton, her best friend of ten years, and now it was him. Brooke had said something about Peyton while she was breaking up with him…something about him being able to talk to Peyton. It was true and he knew it. He didn't mean to run off to Peyton every time he needed to talk, but when it came to how he was feeling about Keith, it just seemed natural to go to her. Peyton had lost a mother…in fact she had lost two. She would understand how much he missed Keith, she would be able to relate to him in ways that Brooke couldn't. How was Brooke suppose to console him and tell him that things would get better if she had never gone through it…coming from her it was bound to seem like an empty promise. Peyton on the other hand…she told him the truth, told him that it never really stopped hurting, it just got a little easier over time…and he believed her because she was speaking from experience. It was never supposed to be about pushing Brooke away, but apparently, in the end that's what happened anyway.

He swung his legs over the bed, the cold wood under his feet creaking as soon as enough pressure was applied. He's been laying on his unmade bed for hours and now it's nearing midnight. As he steps outside into the cool air he shivers slightly. He knows that he should just turn around and go back inside, stay in bed and prove her wrong. But his feet carry him down the cement pathway anyway, and he lets the dull light of the moon guide him toward her house. He shouldn't be doing this, but he's already admitted that Brooke's right…so he keeps going and ten minutes later he's standing in front of Peyton's house, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. He's not here because of some secret love he harbors for his ex-girlfriend's best friend; he's here because he needs to talk. He doesn't know if she's awake but he needs someone to listen to him, and even if this isn't the smartest way to prove that he loves Brooke Davis, he's picked Peyton Sawyer to be that someone.

She had been sitting on the edge of her bed and looking at her closet door for almost an hour…debating whether or not to make use of the paint she had purchased earlier. What right did Brooke have to come and vandalize her closet doors? Sure at the time they were still best friends and she let it slide, but now they weren't even on speaking terms…so that meant she should get rid of it right? As much as that thought circled in her head, she couldn't make herself paint over the writing. It seemed like that would make the end of their friendship more real, like admitting that there was no chance of salvaging anything from a ten year kinship.

"Hey…" she nearly fell off the bed when his voice echoed through her unusually quiet room.

"Hey…what are you doing here" she couldn't deny that she was happy to see him, couldn't stop the small smile from sneaking onto her lips.

"Brooke and I called it quits today…actually it's more like Brooke called it quits…" She was shocked to say the least…this was the last thing she expected to hear tonight.

"Wait…she just broke up with you…" she watched him nod his head as he made his way over to her bed and sat down next to her. His arm brushed hers, but instead of the normal feeling of warmth and comfort being evoked, all she felt was a heavy wave of guilt. "Did she say why…"

"In a nutshell…she said she didn't trust me." His eyes were focused on her and she had to force herself to meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry Luke. This whole thing is my fault. I swear I never meant for any of this to happen." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her body into his, her head falling gently against his shoulder. It felt good to be in his arms again, to feel that sense of safety that only Lucas Scott could provide for her. But the guilt was still eating at her…no matter how hard she tired to shove the feeling down it just kept resurfacing. Being anywhere near Lucas made her feel like she was betraying Brooke. The two of them weren't friends…they were more like enemies…Brooke and Lucas weren't even dating anymore and Brooke was the one that called it off…Brooke had no right to ask Peyton to stay away from one of her most dependable friends…there was no reason to feel bad about any of this…but it doesn't change the fact that she feels horrible just having him in her room, yet alone with his arm wrapped around her.

"This isn't your fault Peyt…it's not like you told Brooke to break up with me. The kiss didn't mean anything. I keep trying to tell her that it only happened because of the circumstances, but she won't believe me." Every time she hears those words leave his mouth she feels her heart break just a little more. She knows that it shouldn't matter to her, that the feelings aren't reciprocated, but the pain still radiates through her chest, crawls slowly under her skin until it explodes in her heart. "Besides, I think there's a lot more to it then that. She just seemed so cold when she was talking to me, like she was hiding all her emotion."

"Maybe she was...maybe she didn't really want to do it." Why was she doing this to herself? Why was she sitting here helping her ex-best friend…the one that had slapped her across the face for being honest. Tears pricked at the back of her hazel eyes…she was so tired of crying…she'd been doing it all afternoon and here she was about to start again.

"Maybe…all I know is I'm going to get her back. I'm gunna prove to her that she can trust me…that I won't hurt her again. I have to." She forced a smile to form on her lips and she thanked God that he couldn't see her face because he would know it was fake.

"Good for you Luke. You'll get her back…just give her some time. I wish I could help you out…but…" she shrugged against him. It was the truth…despite her feelings, if she and Brooke were still friends she would help Lucas get the cheery brunette back…she would do it just to make him happy.

"I know…you'll get her back too. Whatever's going on between you two, it'll go away. Best friends can forgive each other anything"

"Your mom said that to me once…" she pulled away from him and stood up from the bed, her feet carrying her away from the boy she couldn't let see her tears.

"She's a smart woman…" He had a small smile on his face, she could see it through the reflection in the window. She took a deep breath before turning to face him, praying he wouldn't see right through her façade.

"Yeah…but what classifies two people as best friends…and what if whatever that thing is…what if it's not there anymore…what if it hasn't been there…can they still forgive each other anything" Her eyes had already glazed over but he just assumed it was because of Brooke and that wasn't a complete lie…losing her best friends was painful, it had just added to the loneliness she had been feeling more and more each day…that feeling that no one ever seemed to notice no matter how strong it radiated off her.

"Well I guess it depends on how long it's been gone…" He walked over to her, sympathy shining in his blue eyes. How long had she felt this way…was Brooke feeling it too? Whatever had happened…was it that last straw for an already crumbling friendship?

"I don't know…maybe it's not gone…or maybe it was never actually there…" she shook her head and forced a smile on her face. He hadn't come to her to hear her mope about her lost relations with Brooke…he came to talk about his. The last thing she needed to do was give Brooke another reason to hate her…give her something else to twist around into something far from innocent. "Lucas…just give Brooke some time. A lot's been going with her lately and she probably just needs to figure everything out first. You even said it yourself…you'll get her back." She watched the thankful smile that spread across his face and magically things were all better…she wasn't upset and he was reassured that he was in fact the one for Brooke Davis.

It didn't matter that they were each dying inside…her because she once again has to listen to him proclaim his love for her ex best friend in every way possible…him because it's killing him to be away from Brooke, to know that no matter what he does it never seems to be enough to prove his love, because every minute that passes by causes him to lose hope that she's willing to take him back…and for the brunette across town watching her ex best friend and boyfriend warmly embrace each other…again, it hurts because she starting to believe that neither of them ever cared about her to begin with, that they both spend their time lying to her because her battered heart just doesn't matter. Neither of them sees the heartbreak buried in the eyes of the other ones, notices the fake smiles and painful goodbye they're all trying desperately to avoid.


	3. Inevitably blind

She pulled the leather jacket tighter around her thin frame, her wavy hair blowing around her face as she knocked lightly on the white door. Never in a million years did she think she would be standing on Rachel Gattina's doorstep in the middle of the night…especially after the incident last year at the Sparkle Classic. God that girl could be a grade A bitch…she seemed to say screw the consequences as long as she gets the right end result…who cares how many lives she screws up in the process, who cares about people feelings, as long as Rachel gets what she wants. 'Reminds me of someone else…' she chided herself as soon as the thought appeared, and she quickly shoved it out of her head. Who was she to criticize her once best friend, she was the one that screwed up, so what right did she have to point the finger at any one else? She was torn from her thoughts when the porch light came on and the front door swung open.

"Well, well…what are you doing here…" she stared in the fiery eyes of her ex best friend…the girl she had been sisters with for ten years. "…I thought you would be busy screwing MY boy…"

"First…he's not a pair shoes Brooke…he doesn't belong to you…he never did. Second…you broke up with him…" the blonde raised a brow as pain flashed briefly in the chocolate eyes across from her.

"Yeah, and he went running to you so you could make it all better…" there was an obvious strain in her voice. She hated to admit it, but she was hurting. Brooke had always been good with hiding her emotion…but when it came to Lucas Scott…he was the one boy she actually let in and he trampled on her heart over and over again…there was no denying it hurt.

"And he spent the entire time crying about you..." Peyton gave a frustrated sigh as she ran her thin fingers through her hair, pulling it from out of her face for a moment only for it to fall right back in front of her eyes. "Just…get back with Lucas…you never should have broken up with him in the first place…"

"I thought you would be happy…" she doesn't let the shock of Peyton's words show on her face, she refuses to open up to her only to get hurt again. It doesn't matter whether it's intentional…all that matters is that it's inevitable. "This is what you wanted, isn't it…"

"Why would I want this…" the blonde shook her head lightly. "I never asked you to break up with him Brooke…"

"I didn't break up with him for you…I wouldn't do that for you…maybe if you actually mattered, but the thing is…you don't matter Peyton…you're nothing to me…" she waited for the blonde's tears, but they never came, there was no flash of pain, no feeling of hurt lingering in the air…just the same cold look on her face…on both of their faces.

"Fine…I don't care why you did it…but if you're this bitter over the break-up then you must not have wanted it…so take it back…it's not too late…"

"Why are you so persistent with this…you got what you wanted…"

"Why would I want this…" Confusion was apparent of both of their faces, neither one of them able to follow the other's thought…ten years as best friends and suddenly neither one of them could read the other. "…why would I want you two to break up…so he can be alone?"

"No…so he can be free…so he can be with you…" she said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and to her it was. To Brooke it was simple…there was no more her and Lucas, therefore there could now be a Peyton and Lucas…and they could both do this guilt free…and maybe, just maybe, her heart wouldn't break as badly this time around.

"He doesn't love me Brooke…he loves you…he's in love with you. Why are you so blind…Lucas is crazy about you…" it killed her to say those words, to stand out there in the cold and admit that the boy she can't stop loving is in love with someone else. "…it's why he spent so much time fighting for you…" she took a deep breath as she ran her hands roughly over her face. Brooke's face involuntarily softened as she watched the tears slide slowly down Peyton's cheeks. The brunette kept her own tears at bay, but the more she watched the blonde try and wipe hers away, the harder it became to keep her own face dry. "…why he forgave you after the whole mess with Chris…why he's so quick to tell everyone that Brooke Davis is the one for him…"

"Then why is he so quick to run to you…" Why couldn't Peyton just see things the way she did? It was so painfully obvious to her who had Luke's heart…it was the girl he was always saving…the girl he was so willing to open up to…the curly headed ex best friend in front of her that he had up on some unreachable pedestal. "….you say 'ow' and here comes Lucas…more like there goes Lucas. Do you have any idea how many times I had to watch or listen to my boyfriend worry about you…."

"I'm sorry Brooke…" what was she supposed to say to that…she wasn't sorry that Lucas was there for her…but she was sorry that it hurt Brooke. But either way she can't speak for Lucas…she can't explain his actions…all she knows is that although his priorities might get severely screwed up every now and then…his feelings are obvious…no matter how much Peyton hopes…she knows without a doubt who he considers a friend and who he considers more.

"Well now he can run off and save you all he wants, and he doesn't have to worry about me…that's just the way you two want it." She bit back tears and her face grew cold again as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Despite what you think Brooke…I never wanted you two to break up…" her voice was light as she spoke…vulnerability had never been one of her strong suits. "You were right…when I told you how I felt about Lucas, I was being selfish. I was thinking about myself and trying to avoid the pain I felt last year…"

"You…" the brunette scoffed loudly as she looked incredulously at the girl in front of her. "How the hell did you feel pain last year…"

"It did hurt me Brooke…you have no idea how much it killed me to have to watch you two together. By telling you I was hoping that maybe I could avoid it…that maybe you wouldn't try and force us to all hang out together…that you wouldn't suddenly turn into captain oblivious when the three of us were out somewhere and I wanted to leave. And this time around, we were living together Brooke…in the same room. I didn't wanna go home…to the one place I go to escape everything and have to see you two making out on the bed…being the cute and perfect couple you are." The brunette's face had once again softened as the words sunk in. "Brooke, I can take you talking to me about how much you love him…and I can take you coming to me with your relationship problems…and I have no problem trying to help you solve those problems…but I can't take watching you two…I can't listen to him talk about how much he loves you, because it hurts too much…" She bit her bottom lip with her eyes shut tightly. She took a deep breath before shoving past Brooke and going into the house. She made her way over to the side table and grabbed the phone, her hands dialing an all too familiar number before placing the phone in Brooke's hands. "Brooke, just swallow your damn pride…" the blonde forced a small smile as she continued. "…say you were wrong…apologize and tell him that you love him and it was a mistake breaking up with him…tell him that you need him and you still wanna be with him." She didn't wait for the brunette to respond, instead she walked quickly out of the house. She may be willing and may even push for it to happen, but that doesn't mean her hearts not breaking with each step she takes. Brooke watches her leave, a single tear rolling down the brunette's cheek.

"Hello…" she could hear his voice echoing faintly through the receiver. With a shaky hand she lifted the cordless phone to her ear.

"Hi…" she doesn't know what else to say him…she doesn't have the slightest idea about what to do next.

"Brooke…" she can hear the hope in his voice…the happiness, and she can't stop the smile that spreads across her lips. "I wasn't expecting to hear from you…"

"I know…" there was silence between them again…neither knowing what to say. He was so happy that she called, but he wouldn't allow himself to jump to conclusion, he had no idea as to why she was calling in the first place.

"I'm sorry about everything…I really am. I never meant to shut you out of my life…" he was pleading to her…he had shifted from laying back comfortably on his bed to sitting upright and rigid, thinking that it would somehow make a difference.

"I know…" Brooke Davis at a loss for words…never in her life had she imagined this would happen, she was always quick on her feet and normally she talked too much, but as she watched her ex-best friend's retreating figure through the window, listened to her ex-boyfriend's irregular breathing…she couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"Please…Brooke…please just give me another chance, I'll do it right this time…I'll fix this…us…I'll fix us…"

"You can't…" she could hear her voice cracking as the tears fell harder. She would love to just hang up the phone, but that would only prolong the conversation. "I can't…"

"I'll do anything Brooke…how can I prove that you can trust me…" Why couldn't it be that easy? She contemplated asking him to stop seeing Peyton…asking him to cut her out of his life…but she couldn't do that to either one of them…the two of them were the rocks for everyone in Tree Hill, but seemed to only let in each other. She wouldn't be responsible for taking that away from them…even if she swore she didn't care about the backstabbing bitch that just left the house. But more importantly, it wouldn't solve the problem, because Peyton only served as her excuse. Peyton loved him…there was no denying that anymore…she had to love him if she was willing to give him up just for his happiness. Brooke had been willing to give him up too…right after the shooting, she had been more than willing to sacrifice her happiness for his…when had things changed. "Brooke…"

"I stopped missing you…I think I fell out of love with you and I don't know when…but I did…" she wasn't really speaking to him, more to herself, but he had heard the words and wound up with his heart broken even more than it already was. "I'm sorry…" she bit the bottom of her lip as she cast her eyes down to the wooden floor underneath her feet. She hadn't meant for it to come out that way, but she had gotten so lost in her thoughts and forgot the phone was in her hand.

"I…" how was he supposed to respond to that…what do you say when the girl you love says that she stopped missing you. Nothing. You say nothing because no words can change it or take it back…it's just the way it is. "I wish things were different…that we…that I had done things differently. I wish that we hadn't gotten to this point….that the timing was somehow better."

"Me too…" a nostalgic smile found its way onto her lips. "But there's never a right time to say goodbye…"

"I guess not…I'm sorry" She nods even though he can't see her, but he knows. "I love you Pretty Girl." He might accept it, but that doesn't mean he likes it.

"Bye Luke…" she shuts her eyes tightly as she hangs the phone up and cradles it against her chest. She might understand that there's no way around it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.


End file.
